Ready to up your relationship game?
Buckle up - baby! Today’s blog is all about empathy and submission - but not the kinky kind - the kind that’s ALL. ABOUT. YOU.
Let’s take this nice and easy and start out with empathy.
What is empathy:
Empathy is just a fancy term for the ability to understand someone else’s feelings or point of view.
What empathy isn’t:
Just because you empathize (understand someone else’s POV) does NOT mean you agree, or have to agree with them. Empathy can be practiced in any situation - it may not always be easy or comfortable, but it can always be used to your advantage and your partners.
Let me give you a quick example with this condensed story of my weekend…
“Last weekend we decided to move camping sites. My husband decided to leave Thursday in order to be ready for the move Friday morning. I had to work. I couldn’t leave with him, but I said I would drive up Friday after my clients to help, and then drive back home for my Saturday clients, and then head back out after to spend the night with the family. Time to the campground from our house is 90 minutes - not a terrible drive - but time is money, right? So let’s fast forward to Saturday morning when I make my last trip out to the camper to stay. I pull in - tired as hell - and my husband is outside working on leveling the camper. After I’ve unloaded the car, I ask him he’s doing and his response is “I’m tired and I’ve been working on the campsite all morning.”
NOW - what I said in my head - and what I said out loud WERE NOT THE SAME THING.
What I wanted to say was “GTFOH I just drove back and forth what felt like 700 times - worked the past 2 days while you were here - and I’m so tired my eyeballs might literally fall out of my head!”
BUT - just because I felt like that in the moment - doesn’t mean that my husband couldn’t be exhausted too, right? It took me a second to collect my thoughts and I responded with, “I bet you are really tired, I really appreciate all the hard work you’re doing.” And guess what?
He fucking SMILED.
What would his reaction have been if I hadn’t been able to empathize with his situation, and verbalize my appreciation, EVEN THOUGH I was tired too? I mean, not great, let’s be honest.
Which is the perfect seg-way into our next topic….
And it all started with a question that I ask myself when I’m feeling upset or frustrated in my relationship…
“WHAT DO I WANT?”
In that moment at the campground, what did I want? I wanted to relax and have a great weekend with my family. My first reaction would NOT have gotten me that result - so I pulled empathy out of my superwoman belt and used it. And trust me, we had a good time :)
So where does submission come in?
Remember when you and your partner were first dating and you loved everything about them? All those cute little things they did that made you laugh - or your heart melt - or that you didn’t mind ignoring… and now that same stuff drives you fucking mad?
SUBMIT.
That’s who they are! And you knew it! (side note - that DOES NOT mean we can’t better ourselves or change - but it starts with YOU not THEM)
So what do you want?
I want a relationship full of passion, communication, sex, love, safety, trust - all of it! I want NO compromises in my relationship - but I have to submit to my partner’s insanity - his “otherness” if you will. That means I have to be okay with him doing things in a way that’s different than mine, because we are ALL different, not to mention raised different. And who says your way is the right way?
GASSSSSPPPPPP! Trust me, this IS and WAS a tough pill for me to swallow too - but its one you have to buck up and swallow.
I also submit to roles (in some ways) - I can come off a little masculine in the sense of the word. I’ve always been very independent - don’t need a man type of gal - and I have the sort of do-what-I-want-attitude- BUT - I also like to feel feminine, pretty, and be taken care of.
So where does that leave my husband? Honestly - he has no idea what “role” to play because I’m playing them all!
If I expect him to show up as the man in our relationship (which I love and find so sexy), then in some areas I need to show up as the female, AND I have to give him the opportunity to do it. Which means I have to pack up that Type A personality for a bit and take a backseat. If those aren’t your roles with your partner, THATS OKAY - but do you need some? Or do they need to be restructured? Or defined? Are you happy? Is your partner?
I know this is a lot - no one ever said marriage was easy - work it like a job baby.
Let’s keep going…
Submit to playing your part on the team. It’s not YOU VS. YOUR PARTNER - it’s YOU 2 VS. THE WORLD - ACT LIKE IT!
If you have a free moment (which seems to be pretty frequent, at least for me, according to my weekly screen time notifications) ask yourself what you could do for your partner to help YOUR TEAM run smoother this week? Pick up coffee one day? Do the dishes? Make a meal? Wash the car? Schedule a date night? Whatever it is, you’ll be surprised at how appreciative your partner will be - they might even return the favor.
Can you imagine an entire relationship like that? Holy shit - that’s spicy!
Submit to growth, submit to change, submit to forgiveness, submit to letting go!
I’ll leave you with one last little nugget of advice…
Treat every conversation with your partner like you were trying to get laid. Honestly, there is always a way to avoid conflict or argument - or at the very least minimize it. It’s all in the way you frame that statement or question that fuels their response - it starts with you.
P.S. my marriage counseling degree is non existent - this is just what works for me in my marriage and I hope it can help you too.
